Jesse 3.0 [JESSE 2.0]

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. You can read all Jesse 2.0 entries here.

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This is the final blog entry for "Jesse 39.9" | Read All "Jesse 2.0" Blogs Here

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Good news, Jesse 2.0 is dead, as you probably guessed from me stopping updates in February.

I have moved on past my divorce and am having a wonderful time with a new partner. Read all about it at my new blog which I am writing with Kristi at Love At First Touch.

Goodbye, old me!

[JESSE 2.0] Superbowl Sunday & I Don't Care

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. Some text and entries were later censored out of respect for people involved and my sanity.
So the "bowl which is super" is currently underway in Dallas, Texas. The only reason that I know it's there is because of the coverage we did as news reporters for my real job last week. I went to Wal-Mart today for groceries and was lost in a sea of team-logo-adorned jocks and former jocks. Queue my neighbor's unveiling of his purportedly "terrible towel" this morning on his garage door, captured via my webcam:


I don't watch or play sports, and I never have. That makes me a bit of an outcast from my fellow males. But my family never followed sports, and (by the grace of God) neither did my ex-wife or stepdaughter.

So this year is no different -- but I will certainly partake in a pizza, some potato chips, and some relaxation in front of the TV. My family and I used to watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet, but because of those memories I don't think I can bring myself to do that this year. Today it's Superbowl Sunday -- my way.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/f27IqVo5-Oc
 

Divorce And Taxes [JESSE 2.0]

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. You can read all Jesse 2.0 entries here.

They say there are only two things certain in life: Death and Taxes. Well, I'm not dead yet, but I had to talk to my ex-wife this week so that we could do our taxes. Hadn't talked (and by talked, I mean texted, because that's all she'll do) with her for a while, and we've only talked about logistical things for the last several months.


I thought the taxes would be really difficult since we were separated halfway through 2010, but it turns out that just means that you have to file as "Single" so it wasn't too hard -- although I couldn't figure out how to get her name out of my TurboTax, so I'll have that reminder to look forward to next year. In any case, it didn't seem to make any difference so I have submitted my returns.

It's a little unpredictable because I don't know what she might claim on her return, so I'll believe my refund when I see it appear in the checking account. Hopefully that will keep me in the house a few more months -- after 250 pages of paperwork and six months, Wells Fargo has still not been able to reduce my mortgage payment, though I think they are (finally) really working on it this week.

2011: Truly, A New Year [JESSE 2.0]

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. You can read all Jesse 2.0 entries here.

2010 sucked. I got divorced, almost lost my house, two of my uncles died, and my grandmother (and cat) got very ill. Here's hoping 2011 will be better.

It is truly the newest year for me in a decade. Eleven years ago New Years Eve, I was proposing to my girlfriend. Today I am alone, six months after she, her daughter and her dog left.

In order to kick of 2011 on a daring note, I spent New Years weekend in Wildwood, New Jersey, and Philadelphia, both towns I had never visited, with friends that I barely knew. It was nice to get out and see something new. And this is not something I would have been willing to do when I was married.


Being married was like being in a cocoon - it was pleasant and safe, but I didn't get of my comfort zone, meet people or try new things. And that was OK with me at the time. But I think I'm ready to do that now.

To give some perspective, I've never liked traveling, and if not for work, which flew me to Oklahoma City and Wichita, I would never have been west of New Orleans. I've never been to Florida, New York City, or the West Coast. I don't really like to travel, no matter the means.

Yet somehow on New Years Weekend there I was, walking and driving around Philadelphia, visiting the southern tip of New Jersey, hanging out with people I barely knew. Trying new things and not fearing it at all.


It was as good of a start to the New Year as I could expect. I'm not really making New Years resolutions this time, as I've got plenty to work on. Right now my goal is to continue my more-healthy and more sociable lifestyle.

I'd like to say that this will be the year where I won't think about my ex-wife and stepdaughter every day, but that's just not realistic. I still love them very much and think of them several times per day.

The Meaning of Christmas [JESSE 2.0]

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. You can read all Jesse 2.0 entries here.

"I get it... the meaning of Christmas is... the idea that Christmas has meaning, and it can mean whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my Mom. But now it means being with you guys."

-- Abed, "Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas"


I'm always pleasantly surprised at how deep the comedy "Community" can cut emotionally. This comment by the show's stop-motion-animated character last night sums up what I'm feeling during this first Christmas after my divorce - and a realization that may have allowed my heart to grow like a little like the Grinch. Ironically, the image of him above looks a little like me today.

At first I tried to avoid Christmas completely, but it's impossible to do that here in the U.S., and eventually its warm, pine-scented tentacles got to me. I still didn't decorate, but I put up a string of USB lights at work and at home, and a pink Christmas Tree for my Flamingo collection. I still didn't listen to Christmas music (when possible), but I am watching the Christmas-themed TV shows that I normally have on my weekly list.

So what is Christmas to me this year?

Relaxation and good food. While I'm watching those shows on TV today and tomorrow, and a few flakes of snow are falling outside, I'll be preparing my favorite meal, a spicy pasta dish, to go with some Christmas cookies and candy I'll be enjoying later today and tomorrow. To go with that, a couple of movies I've been wanting to see ("Inception" and "Devil"), a stack of magazines, and my cat Star on my lap.

True, today he is my only companion, but that doesn't bother me, and I'd rather be here relaxing than anything else. This is probably another blog entry, but I think I'm finally comfortable with myself -- getting back something that I had earlier in my life, growing up as an only child. And that... may be the best present of all.

Me, getting the Christmas Tree at Age 13

[JESSE 2.0] We're Here Not To Help You

One of the big things still hanging over my head from the divorce is the mortgage. My ex left me the house, but without her income I can't afford it.

Wells Fargo has a slogan along the lines of "We're Here To Help You." Well, I'm not sure that's true. A month after the divorce, I applied for a "loan modification" (a government program where they radically lower your monthly payment by doing things like extending 30-years to 40 and reducing rates to as low as 2%).


Four months, 25 phone calls and 155 pages of paperwork later (see above), I'm getting nowhere and still not able to afford the mortgage. Cash reserves are running low and I'm going to go into foreclosure for sure in early 2011. It's a shame that I couldn't have been trying to sell the house this whole time but they insisted that they could help me keep it.

They've requested the same paperwork over and over, and additions to the paperwork, and corrections to the paperwork. The last stalling point was that they said they couldn't submit it because the gov. required the Divorce Decree. I sent them that on November 26, and haven't heard anything since then, despite leaving several messages each week for the person assigned to my account.

Friday I called the main number asking if they could get me a status. They said they would send her an email and I should give her a couple days. They said on the call "I see your account is in good standing and you are not in foreclosure." I replied "Well I'm going to be if you guys don't hurry it up. :)" Not sure I spoke the smiley correctly. I think Wednesday I'm going to call in and ask to speak to a manager.

If they don't get back to me I won't have enough time to sell the house and will have to foreclose. I don't want to get behind on my payments though, because I'm sure they'd take that opportunity to disqualify me.

I shouldn't be surprised because of what you hear on the news about the big banks trying to shaft people on mortgages, foreclosures, refinances and modifications. But I thought that Wells Fargo was one of the better companies - the lesser of several evils, because I don't hear their name as much. Maybe not.

Black Friday Horror Show [JESSE 2.0]

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. You can read all Jesse 2.0 entries here.

Today is Black Friday. Here is a link to my AccuWeather blog on Black Friday 2006, when I recounted my horror story of Black Friday 2003. This will explain why since then, I have done all my shopping online, opting to not shop at the stores on the biggest shopping day of the year.

Chasing Death [JESSE 2.0]

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. You can read all Jesse 2.0 entries here.

UPDATE 11/9/2010: Matt's wife and mother have been kind enough to issue this statement - read more on Discovery.com - excerpt below, which I applaud them for and again offer my condolences:

"Our family never intended to conceal the circumstances surrounding Matt's death in an effort to deceive the public, but rather to allow us to grieve privately, as well as, protect the many young children that have been affected by this tragedy. Depression is an extremely widespread, yet treatable, condition. Receiving education regarding the signs and symptoms of suicidal ideation is essential. Those who know of, or may need help themselves, need to seek treatment or call the "National Suicide Prevention Lifeline" at (800) 273-TALK (8255)."

I also received a phone call of thanks today from a weather enthusiast friend who read this post and decided to seek help. All in all I'm glad I had the courage to write this!

ORIGINAL POST: 

Someone dear to the meteorological community was lost this May... and the whole world found out about Matt Hughes' death last week on Discovery Channel's "Storm Chasers." In fact Monday morning that topic Dominated (pun intended) internet searches. Combined, two separate phrases "how did matt hughes die" and "matt hughes storm chaser death" were by far the #1 searched topic on Google Trends.

Why? We fellow chasers knew almost immediately in May from hobby chat boards online. But the information about how he passed away was not mentioned then, only notes that it was "not chasing-related" and only a handful knew before Monday, when TMZ and others released the truth: Matt committed suicide. This news hit me hard, and not just because I am a fellow storm chaser.



(The tribute image above is from TheStormReport.com which has information on a Memorial Fund for Matt's two sons).

First, I was disappointed in the way that Discovery Channel handled the situation. They had three episodes featuring Matt before their tribute last week. I realize that they desire to do things in chronological order, but to not even mention Matt's passing during the first three episodes made those of us who knew the situation wonder if they were ever going to address it. And when asked, they didn't answer.

Second, I respect the family's privacy, and realize there may be legal issues, but by trying to hide the truth, I believe Matt's family missed a big opportunity to further the cause of Depression screening and prevention. Instead, they (understandably for privacy concerns) hid the truth and some in the media are now interpreting this as a "cover-up," putting Matt's death in a negative light. As a result, everyone else is scared to talk about it, so we stay quiet.

But I feel too strongly about this topic to remain silent.

As a person who suffered from Depression years ago (in college), I feel I am qualified to speak on the topic. As Mental Health America says a couple of important things: "Clinical depression is a serious medical illness. Clinical depression can lead to suicide. Sometimes people with depression mistakenly believe that the symptoms of depression are a 'normal part of life.'"

The illness is further misinterpreted, or simply not seen, by friends and family who think that depressed people are just "extra sad" because of something that went wrong in their life. Actually, everything could be going perfect for you, but you still feel sad. That's what makes is so odd.

Fortunately, it's treatable. But only if you or those around you recognize the problem. As MHA points out, one way is through screening. Another is simply for your friends and family to be aware of the signs, which they list. Every time that we are unable to catch the signs in time, we need to get the word out about this illness.

I was able to recognize the problem and seek help, which started with psychotherapy. That helped a little. Then I tried a couple different prescription antidepressant drugs, some of which had horrible side effects like paranoia, "brain zaps" (the Internet wasn't around then so you couldn't Google that - it was quite scary) and me forgetting how to spell simple words (not great for English 101).

I finally found one that worked, and had no side effects (Zoloft). I'll never forget the day that I knew it was working. I was overcome with a wave of calmness as I retrieved a Pepsi from the refrigerator at our Beach House (I was there with my parents). I'd like to be a huge proponent of that particular drug, but the truth is that different drugs work for different people. After a year on Zoloft, I discontinued it and was completely recovered.

The reason the drugs work is simple -- depression is caused by an imbalance of a brain chemical called serotonin. I also happen to believe that most, if not all aberrant behavior is caused by brain chemical imbalances and hope that one day we may be able to rid the world of much crime and unrest via psychotropic drugs like anti-depressants.

Day 105: Dark Halloween [JESSE 2.0]

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. You can read all Jesse 2.0 entries here.

Tomorrow night is trick-or-treating in our neighborhood. But this year my house will be dark, for the first Halloween since I moved into this neighborhood with my family in 2006.

Halloween is the first in three late-year holidays that I will be spending without my wife, stepdaughter, or dog. Halloween is a somber holiday -- but it's hard to say if it's worse or better than other more intimate family holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

We used to start out the evening watching the "Garfield Halloween Special" on DVD during dinner, something that I, too, had done before trick-or-treating as a child. Then my wife would get her daughter dressed up in some crazy costume.

When I gave out candy the last four years I kind of did it for them, even if they were out trick-or-treating themselves. I did it to be part of the suburban community life that I always dreamed of.



But now that dream is gone. I am but a shell living alone in a large suburban dwelling. I just don't feel like giving out candy this year.

These holidays are going to be difficult, but they are something I'm going to have to get used to. I'm going to have to treat them like every day of the year, or at least relax and catch up on reading, like I would have done anyway.

Other than the upcoming Holidays, how am I doing these days? Better I guess, I am mostly able to go on about life, though they still crowd my mind during idle time and I still dream that they forgive me and take me back. I am still wrestling with the mortgage company on a loan modification. I am still going out with my "guy friends" at least once a week - no females are in the picture yet.

The divorce will be finalized on November 11th. It's not clear to me if I have to see her that day, or sign anything, or if the paperwork we already signed simply becomes official and I get a copy in the mail. I guess that will launch "Jesse 2.1"

Day 79: The Stones World Tour [JESSE 2.0]

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. You can read all Jesse 2.0 entries here.

Yesterday another inconvenience of no longer having a family living with me came to the forefront - and it was something I never thought I'd face anytime soon.

I haven't been to the emergency room (or really, a hospital) since I was twelve years old (for me; I had visited my ex-wife there several times). But yesterday morning when I awoke at 4 AM I immediately knew something was "wrong" because the pain in my abdomen was unlike anything I had ever experienced before.

I thought at first it might be the stomach flu because of the nausea, but the pain extended from my abdomen backwards through my lower back - and the heating pad didn't help. Finally after writhing in pain for a couple hours in bed I dragged myself into the heavy rain and drove myself to the emergency room.

Thankfully everything went fairly quickly and they quickly put in an IV for fluids, anti-nausea and morphine. As I lapsed in and out of consciousness for the next couple of hours, they kept asking me for basic information that had to be in their system already, and finally got me in for a CAT scan. Half an hour later the doctor said that I have a kidney stone, which is too small to operate for and must come out "naturally" (read: painfully at some undisclosed time in the future).

After they wheeled me back from the CAT scan they forgot to take down the sides in the bed and (also because the IV was connected to the bed) I was momentarily trapped, feeling quite nauseous, with no convenient receptacle. Fortunately a nurse came in and gave me a bag specifically made for such situations.

A couple hours later I awoke to the doctor asked me if "someone was waiting for me." No, I said in a haze of morphine, not realizing what that really meant until afterward. There was no one that cared for me now, no one that would be in the waiting room, no one to drive me home. I was truly on my own.

They said I couldn't drive because of the morphine, which made sense to me, and offered to call a cab in the pouring rain, which I took to Wal-Mart and got prescriptions for Vicadent and anti-nausea medicine filled, stumbling around the store, soaked, with my hospital bracelet still on and gauze and a cotton ball around my elbow like some sort of homeless druggie.

Fortunately a former co-worker was there at the pharmacy and offered to drive me home so I wouldn't have to take another cab (something that, by the way, I had probably only done once before in my life).

The time between then and noon today I spent drifting in and out of consciousness in bed trying to deal with the pain. Today, thankfully, the pain has subsided but I still have that empty feeling that there was no one there to calm the pain, no one to help me stumble through that horrible day in the rain.