Saturday, July 17, 2010

Day 1: Numb [JESSE 2.0]

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. You can read all Jesse 2.0 entries here.

When I came home to my "American Dream" home today, my house was empty after housing my wife, her daughter and dog for 10 years.

I am divorced;* its arrival was sudden, brutal and devastating, as if my family had been taken from this earth.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm not going to talk about our marriage, which was good until the end, or the divorce itself, which was my fault. So don't ask.

And I'm certainly not going to speak ill of my former family, I (still) love them too much for that and my wife has been kinder to me in the last 24 hours than she should have been. They are going through something worse than I am right now; thankfully they have each other. If you are praying for me you need to pray for them too. I don't have the "advantage" of hating them, and that makes it all the more sad for me.

I'm not playing the victim here and I don't request pity. What's done is done; I can't go back in time to fix it. I am moving on with my life, if I can find that that is possible, and that's what this blog is going to be about. When I can stop thinking about them, I won't talk about the memories of my former family either.

When I was a teenager and something was bugging me, I kept a journal. And of course I have been "blogging" in some form ever since. So, I need to write this blog to make it through the next few months as I restart my life, as Jesse 2.0. I'm doing this blog for me. I hope that those who come along for the ride can offer me some sage advice for this trip.

What I would appreciate is advice from divorcees on how to make it through this, because I didn't even get a chance to so much as research this horror before it happened to me. I am committing here to try to stay positive and not fall into the dark traps that divorcees often do. I hope this blog will be inspiring to others, or will at least let the 60% of America know: You are not alone.

But for now I am numb in a way that I haven't been since my father's death in 2000. I believe, like that event, it will seem like the pain will never go away, but I learned from his passing that it will.

Tonight I've taken turns crying and staring at the walls. I called my mother, who was the only person in this world who can truly understand this situation, and she was very supportive. At the moment I can't even go to my usual emotional friend "music"; because of my photographic memory and synethesia, I will forever associate those tunes with this terrible day.

For now I only look forward to a cold and restless night - and hope that tomorrow will somehow be better.

The profile photo here was taken as I left work, moments before I arrived home and my life changed forever. It was the last photo of Jesse 1.0.



*Pending paperwork.