Saturday, July 17, 2010

Day 1: Numb [JESSE 2.0]

NOTE: This blog was previously published under the [JESSE 2.0] blog at http://jessetwopointoh.blogspot.com but has been absorbed into Jesse's main blog for archival purposes. You can read all Jesse 2.0 entries here.

When I came home to my "American Dream" home today, my house was empty after housing my wife, her daughter and dog for 10 years.

I am divorced;* its arrival was sudden, brutal and devastating, as if my family had been taken from this earth.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm not going to talk about our marriage, which was good until the end, or the divorce itself, which was my fault. So don't ask.

And I'm certainly not going to speak ill of my former family, I (still) love them too much for that and my wife has been kinder to me in the last 24 hours than she should have been. They are going through something worse than I am right now; thankfully they have each other. If you are praying for me you need to pray for them too. I don't have the "advantage" of hating them, and that makes it all the more sad for me.

I'm not playing the victim here and I don't request pity. What's done is done; I can't go back in time to fix it. I am moving on with my life, if I can find that that is possible, and that's what this blog is going to be about. When I can stop thinking about them, I won't talk about the memories of my former family either.

When I was a teenager and something was bugging me, I kept a journal. And of course I have been "blogging" in some form ever since. So, I need to write this blog to make it through the next few months as I restart my life, as Jesse 2.0. I'm doing this blog for me. I hope that those who come along for the ride can offer me some sage advice for this trip.

What I would appreciate is advice from divorcees on how to make it through this, because I didn't even get a chance to so much as research this horror before it happened to me. I am committing here to try to stay positive and not fall into the dark traps that divorcees often do. I hope this blog will be inspiring to others, or will at least let the 60% of America know: You are not alone.

But for now I am numb in a way that I haven't been since my father's death in 2000. I believe, like that event, it will seem like the pain will never go away, but I learned from his passing that it will.

Tonight I've taken turns crying and staring at the walls. I called my mother, who was the only person in this world who can truly understand this situation, and she was very supportive. At the moment I can't even go to my usual emotional friend "music"; because of my photographic memory and synethesia, I will forever associate those tunes with this terrible day.

For now I only look forward to a cold and restless night - and hope that tomorrow will somehow be better.

The profile photo here was taken as I left work, moments before I arrived home and my life changed forever. It was the last photo of Jesse 1.0.



*Pending paperwork.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Jesse. I only know you as the weather guy on Facebook. I truly appreciate you guys and realize you mostly get the poop end of the stick when weather is bad and are completely forgotten about when it's nice. II love weather and all the turmoil that comes with it. But, I digress.
    I went through a divorce 10 years ago because of my own weakness and stupidity after a marriage that lasted 9 months. My situation is different(maybe) because I stayed with the women I had the affair with.
    The beginning is the hardest part as you try to reprogram yourself and purge some of the things you need to as you carry on with the 2.0 version of Jesse. I had a lot of "friends" who turned their back on me after thinking I could rely on them. Plus, we had mutual friends as well, which she got in the divorce. As it turns out, the people that were hurt the most seemed to be her sisters and parents.
    I began rebuilding friendships soon after my head was sorted and held on to the ones that supported me. Things will get better with time. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds.
    Keep yourself and your mind occupied as much as possible. Don't sit around much, thinking, as that will just undo what your trying to do. You'll be fine. Life will begin anew once again. I really wish you well.
    http://www.facebook.com/TheToczynski4

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  2. Thanks all for the sage advice.

    NOTE: This was posted for Cheryl-Ann who was unable to get the Comment button to work:

    Dear Jessee,

    I divorced a few years ago, and fortunately for me the paperwork was rather painless. We were married for 2 years, and living together for almost 3 years. Not very much and no way close to 10 years, but for someone who just turned 19 at the time she married, that's quite a big deal. I didn't get the house, nor the cat.

    The advice? Minimize the damage. Take time off. Use this time to do the things you always wanted but didn't get to and rediscover yourself. Self-discovery is so much more important now when you have lost your better half.

    Above all, take care of your health, and be careful that you don't fall into depression--if you do, seek some professional help.

    Regards,
    Cheryl-Ann

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